Experts weigh in on why some people have an inexplicable barrier to responding – and what they can do about it
“There’s no such thing as a bad texter. They just don’t want to respond,” said influencer Delaney Rowe last year on the online talkshow Subway Takes. “People go around thinking being a bad texter is like a personality disorder, but it’s not. It’s a cop-out.” “I don’t believe in bad texters. If you want to answer you will answer.”
I scroll guiltily past these arguments knowing that I have 39 unread text messages on my phone. Truthfully, I received every one of those texts with a thrill of happiness. I love to hear from my friends, my sister, my former colleague, and my family group chat. I initiated many of these conversations myself. But when I try to respond, typing seems as laborious as writing a handwritten letter, and I feel overwhelmed by dread. “I’ll get around to writing back when I have a moment,” I think.
Hours – or days – later, I feel anxious. As time passes, that anxiety intensifies and is compounded by growing shame. The obligation to respond makes me feel ill; knowing that my lack of response could be hurting my relationships feels even worse. I have seen some friendships disintegrate because of my behavior, and have made desperate attempts to reassert my care by writing blocks of text, months too late. My own mom regularly texts me versions of: “When I’m dead, you’ll wish you could text me back.”
I have been locked in this cycle since I first got a flip phone. From the earliest days of texting, I couldn’t figure out how other people were keeping up. It seemed like a special skill, like skiing or playing an instrument. To gauge the scope of my problem, I asked one of the best texters in my life how my texting cadence has affected our relationship. He responded in under five seconds.
“I’m generally less likely to text you for non-logistical reasons (I had an idea I wanted to share with you, I saw something funny you’d appreciate, I want to catch up) because I’m unlikely to hear back in a relevant time frame,” he said. His response confirms what I know to be true: I have trained people not to rely on me.
It can be hard for good texters to grasp that some people – like me – have an inexplicable, irrational barrier to texting back. I know it is hurtful to the person who feels ignored. But it is also painful, oddly, for the person who isn’t texting back. Texting is a low-effort way to feel less alone. A 2023 study found that people tended to text when they felt a lack of belonging, and that, “compared to being alone, texting was found to decrease loneliness and increase connection.” Yet you might know that and still struggle to respond.
“I have an evil in my heart that makes it hard to text back,” joked C Armstrong on TikTok. “A curse was placed upon me that makes me throw up in my mouth every time I receive a text.” Their post was comedic, but Armstrong told me that sluggish texting had upset their friends and family members; emailing is also tough. It has caused them to fear for their professional future and made using dating apps almost impossible. “I should probably take myself off the market,” they said of the latter, “because this is designed for people who text back.”
There are any number of reasons a person might be a bad texter. “For some people it’s because they’re feeling kind of burnt out, kind of overloaded. For some people, there may be an element of anxiety,” she said. “Sometimes there may even be an element of wanting some control.” Freezing up when you get texts could be the result of a number of combined factors, including perfectionism, disorders like ADHD, and plain old personal preference.
Texting “stresses me out significantly more than speaking,” said Armstrong, who has ADHD and dyslexia. “I’m so much more conscious of the words that I’m using. I have to pre-emptively tell people – friends and potential romantic partners: ‘I’m bad at texting and it’s not you,’” Armstrong said. “Some people hear that, and some people don’t.” Everyone’s response time falls somewhere along a spectrum that runs from near-instantaneous to “delivered as if by stagecoach”. But there is a gulf of understanding between the two extremes.
Good texters live in a world of “if they wanted to they would,” as if overthinking and distraction are imaginary problems. Bad texters are bewildered by expectations for prompt written communication, feeling punished by a system they never opted in to. “It’s not a matter of willpower. There’s something that is blocking them; there is something that’s making it hard. Simply saying: ‘You should be better at texting’ is not really going to work.”